2009

happy new year!!!

mixed feeling. on one hand i'm excited about the endless possibilities that i would encounter this coming months. but on the other hand, i have an exam next week + my project is still a mess, and the due date is so close!!!

disappear

when i think about it, i know that i wasn't really there or even care. the more i think about it, the less i feel that i could share...

bosan

i'm bored yet i procrastinate. i whine & i complain although i know there are so many things that i have yet to do. i have to study, i have to do my project, i have to prepare myself in a more serious note.

boxing day

26th dec... tapi kedai tutup lagi. seb baik x pegi town biarpun dh bgn awal & x tido lepas subuh.. heheh. tapi esok ade lagi. jom shopping!!

solitaire

bgn tido, mandi, makan, solat, main solitaire, main solitaire, main solitaire all day long smpi berjam2... haih... =/

detailed shots with my canon IXUS 80 IS

i am... sasha fierce

basically, beyonce officially unleashed her alter ego (sasha) to command the second half of this album. the idea is nothing new but considering how she market her alter ego, i have to admit that the end result is somewhat excellent.

for the first part, mostly soft, heart soul ballads.. the tracks are amazingly good. it opens with "if i were a boy" , followed by "halo", a truly heartfelt song. the rest especially disappear & broken hearted girl are one of the memorable tracks. for the B side, it focuses more on the energetic, fierce and electrifying sasha... the hit single form this one "single ladies" already got me hooked with the catcy & notoriously spontaneous lyric. i like it a lot. but the remaining tracks for the B side still haven't fully caught my attention.

remember ??

the canon ixus IS 80 that i bought a couple of months ago...

well.. well... since only recently that i contemplate of upgrading my my cam into a nearly SLRish (but not quite) version.. i only discover the wonders of my existing cam!!! there are so many functions that i have yet to fully utilize!!! and just a few hours ago, i'm very tempted to purchase a new extended lens cam!!! cet... k.i.v dulu la cmni..

so... i phone 3G anyone??? hahah

a thought

now that the ending is approaching, i started to ponder back on the beginning. on how i evolve as a person in general... looking back, there are things that i did along the way that may not yield the best self satisfaction kinda feeling, but there are the right things to do nonetheless.

and i'm still learning, gathering new information as i passes my mark on every step of the way. i know i'm not the best here & chances are i'm not the most likable either. 5 years & counting, it is pretty self evident. but no matter.. there are more important things that take priority in my list. and make no mistake about it.. i wanna do good always, setting a high standard that i find to be impossible to live up to.. but if somehow i managed (insyaAllah), i want it to be because of me & not due to others. i have lost interest to compete againts other people...

i want this ...

and/or

this =D

2 weeks winter holiday

i'm not going anywhere this holiday =( . so... another phone to compensate??? hmmm

playlist

• love lockdown - kanye west
  
• hot & cold - katy perry
• run - leona lewis
• single ladies - beyonce
• if i were a boy - beyonce
• like a boy - ciara
• everybody's changing - keane
  
• spiralling - keane

the real thing

i thought her performances here were phenomenal. she looked so effortless & she blended well with her dancers. she is certainly a class above the rest.

wed night dinner

dinner with shahied, aiza, yusma n butter @ a chinese restaurant. the food is ok la. tapi ralat sbb my fried rice xde kuah. seb baik yusma & butter bg skit kuah diorang. ngee. then some beli garlic bread dkt papa john.

tuesday

nothing much happened today. had an early lunch, sat with the surgery people. then in the tutorial, drM. was dead serious. each one of us had their fair share of questions. and i truly felt like we were in the setting of the show, "the weakest link". yikes... !! but no matter, i learn a lot too. plus, there's a patient with maple syrup disease.

and yeah, dinner with the girls was canceled. so, i'm sitting in my room watching simpsons. =D

Run

sometimes, u just want to run, go.. n get disappear with the one that u care for.. but certainly this isn't possible. life is more than that. at times, u don't do certain things not because u don't want to do it, but rather u know u shouldn't be doing it.

who???

malu nye.. tadi i mistaken my classmate for someone else... tego die dgn nama lain... heheh, nasib baik die cool. dh la sebelah2 jer, boleh x perasan pulak... sorry tamara .. ngee. =D

n something good happened today (nothing to do with xm) .. heheh.. i'm happy =)

the duchess

i wept when they took eliza away from G. a film beautifully made with a great casting to boast. not recommended to those who anticipate light romantic 18th century love drama. this one is heavy with emotions!! an 8/10

where my readers at ??

on the 13/12/08
(click to enlarge the map)

case study 3

describe the CXR. credit to *jimbocyberdoc*



answer:
Left hemithorax opacity (total lung wipeout). The meniscal line can be seen at the left upper lung zone indicative of pleural effusion. trachea deviated to the right.

belek2 pic lama, terjumpe gamba ni.. ahaha... tersenyum ku sorang2 didalam bilikku di limerick ini.. ngee... betapa memori lama terimbas kembali... argggh!!!

opening up the ex(es) files

it kinda hit u.. the pressure is on & u feel that the clock is ticking when ur best buddies are trying to pair u up with one of their acquaintances. and i have to admit, that i do enjoy the attention, and the who's who analysis. the efforts that my buddies have shown are just incredible. i can really see that they are putting a lot of work into this, coming to the fact that i narrowed down almost every single selection that is presented.

and in a way, i feel blessed that they want me to be happy and their defintion of happiness is i quote " to be in a stable relationship". and i've been single for the last 2 years and along these 24 months, i've been constantly pressured to meet up with someone, a friend of a friend maybe... i don't know. i tend to laugh & joke it out when issues like this are being brought up to the table. digging up the old black book, my records aren't that favourable. i had a couple of nasty break ups. and it's hard to believe that more often than not, i'm the mean half. i just don't know how to deal with problems. i don't fight. i walked away too often. they got fed up ... and i left. sometimes, i feel a bit envious to see people who are happily entering half a decade of a relationship & as happy as i am ... i don't have that.

and i dated people from all shapes & sizes. i've been there & i've seen them all. particularly the last one, it was a bad end. now looking back at my exes, some of them are happily married, some are dating other people & the rest remain single.

and i know, some may think that this topic is a little too private @ controversial to tell it all. but i don't care ... because they are all in the past. i moved on. but thank u for the effort guys. ur the best. and ooh... i haven't decide on anything. only time will tell. heheh.

Paediatrics: part 3

as much as i hated to say it upfront, but i do admit that upon entering the 3rd week of paeds rotation, i have to say that paediatrics isn't as bad as what i painted before. when i wrote it a week ago, it feels like i want to prove a point, to show to the public & the readers that they are more options to choose from. the part where i said that crying babies irritate me, i kinda missed the part where they are acting their age, showing emotions & development accordingly. and it really doesn't take a lot... my ego shattered to pieces when a girl with the most enthusiastic & charming personality greet me with a very warm welcome. she had me at hello, and i was sold there & then. and the part where we were brought in the play room was a reminder of the past. it unleashes the the kid in me... as any happy 3-4 year old toddlers out there, i found myself, recklessly scooping around, and searching for toys to play with. and i enjoyed it.

so, having said all of these, to some of u..i'm sorry. i take my words back. being peadiatrician is just as honourable profession as the surgeons or other medical specialities. ur bunch are the one that we send our children too. u keep them healthy & well during the first few years of their life, .. giving us the opportunities to manage & cut them open when they get older. =P

where my readers at ?? (1/12/08)

thank u for visiting my humble page despite the infrequent entries lately. u've made me smile =)

on recent things

• i should've been on call tonight. but since Dr. M is taking over, then i was advised not to go

• this blog hasn't been properly updated. i'm sorry. the other one kept me busy.

• the incident that happened, i now think that is blown out of proportion. i'm ok... really.
  

• but the one thing that keep on rewinding on my mind every now n then is still a bit upsetting. because u really thought that they meant it. but after the remark was made, i secretly wonder if all the complements that i received before this are one of those "make u feel good" comments. and i try to see the funny side of it, trying my best to turn it into a big messing around kind of feeling. but it turn out that i am profoundly disturbed. from being surprise, to being furious, 3 days after... i just feel sad.
  

a sad truth

... rupenye, aku masak x sedap. selama ni aku masak, rupenye, dlm diam, ade yg berfikiran masakan ku biasa2 sajer. tp bila ditanye, die kata sedap aku masak. n biarpun begitu, aku bersangka baik la jugak, dan hatiku gumbira bile menerima pujian. rupa2nye, itu sekadar kata2 manis di mulut saja. bagaikan bertanam tebu di pinggir bibir.. arghhh, aku kecewa!!!


p.s: ikut suke aku la, aku nak tulis apa pun, kalo sape2 yg rasa entry ni geli, then aku x boleh nak ckp aper. aku dh penat dh tulis ikut kerenah orng. biarlah, aku tulis ape yg aku rasa. aku adalah aku.

saturday

it freezing cold out there. it is no better inside the house. winter is coming ofically in the next few days..

aiyaya

entry publish kt salah blog. sorry bout the confusion. ni yg problem managing 2 blogs ni

i'm not a mind reader. i don't know what u want. subtle hints do not work, strong hints do not work, obvious hints do not work. just say it!!. and when i asked whether something is wrong & u say nothing. i will act like nothing is wrong. i know that ur lying but it's just not worth the hassle.

great minds think alike

thank u for saying that. i'm blushed.. heheh

up for a chat.? or maybe not

why bother being online if ur gonna be in a "busy" mode. normally i wouldn't have mind, but it annoys me when most of the people in my list put up that kind of status. seriously.. people, if u know that u won't be available, then go back & hide under the invi mode. at least i know that ur not online & i wouldn't have been bothered.

a lesson learned

meningitis doesn't cause peticheal rash. i was grilled for that!!!

meningococcal septicaemia causes them. speak the rite words, then they'll be pleased.

and today i saw a couple of interesting cases such as a child with rickets. the classic bow leg appearance is there. the treatment is a lifelong supply of vitamin D.

also, there's a child presented with febrile neutropenia. he has ALL.

nervousnye.... but when i think about it, this is part & parcel of life... so, i try not to fret about it...

i hate pessimist. i hate people who cuts me short and drag me down with them. and i don't like to be around someone who thinks that they know everything. go away.. u should not be here. u should be up there with them.

piss off

life isn't a bed roses for u to fall nicely onto.

i hate pessimist. i don't deal well with problems. and with all these negativity thrown in rite to my face, i can't help to wonder.. where did i go wrong? certainly, it is impossible for me to fulfill everybody's wishes but the thing about this type of people is that they're like the human black holes which suddenly come out of nowhere and just suck the life out of u. u try to stay positive and remain strong but their negativity ends up just completely draining u, u feel so tired, so exhausted, and u just wanna leave & giving them the privilege of having the last laugh.

and on the second thought, u secretly hope that they die & burn in hell.

icy

people got me wrong when i uttered this word.. to me, icy is more or less equivalent to cold. so when i say that u appear icy, i mean that u look distant, not very approachable. that's it. no underlying meaning or hidden agenda. and i never thought that some of u consider icy as being a cold hearted bitch!!! i didn't mean that!! seriously and the fact that syafique keeps on pin pointing that back to me made me feel even worse!! babe, ur just a little reserved then, not icy.

it's just no fun anymore. it feels different now. people don't commit as much as they used to. i'm tired of running in circles.

morning coffee

it happened in the OPD. there were me, ruth H & another friend from UCD. and our consultant. dr S was there too. but he went & called the patient. within this few seconds, i just had the urge take a sip of my coffee that i brought along in the room. and i don't how it happened, but the important thing was that my coffee ended up spilling on my seat, my pants & the floor.

but of course, we managed. we cleaned it up all within seconds too. and when our consultant was back in the room, we were all demurely seated, pretending as if nothing had occured. plus, i ended up with a wet pants throughout the morning. huh...

henoch schonlein purpura (HSP)

doing paeds here is spectacular. met a girl with HOCM but her main concern at the moment is IDDM. then saw a chap with HSP.

so, here are some random facts about HSP.

• usually patients get it following a URTI
• initially present with macula papular, non blanching rash, affecting the buttock, legs, feet, but trunk sparing. but rash cann appear blotchy & with a bruised appearance too
  
• abd pain.
• joint pain typically affecting the larger joints such as the hip, knee. there may be swelling of the joints.
  
• microscopic haematuria. so if the patients comes with frank haematuria, then more likely not to be HSP
• treatment is symptomatic. have to monitor for renal function. so do a msu, 24H urine collection, spot on protein: creatinine ratio, U&E + measure BP as well. if no sequalle for the next 6 months, then renal dysfunction is unlikely.

differentials: ITP, allergic rxn, viral infection.

away

i'm sorry for the infrequent entries lately. there are so much things that i would like to share & address to u readers out there. last week have been a buys week for me. aside from the end of rotation exam, i have to do bits & pieces for my project and for the med ball as well. but starting next, i'll be away for 5 weeks doing my paeds in limerick. so gentle readers, best wishes to all of u.

end of rotation ramblings

i'm excited that i'll be finishing obs & gynae tomorrow (clap)
i'm excited to go to the ball (clap)
i'm excited to be in different hosp next week (clap)
but i'm not so excited about tomorrow's exam. i haven't done much. aiyaya.. yeah i know. suck it up quitely. huh... (sigh)

a glimpse of what i'd miss

during the family gathering...

exam is just around the corner - and i go to bed early, pump up the adrenaline with high volume music. and i eat more. this is me dealing with the pressure & intensity.

pelik kan?? considering that i don't stay up!!

mengarut

i have an exam coming up at the end of this week & it weights quite a lot too. but the thing is, i can't believe it that despite having this embedded into my mind, i just can't seem to give it my all. and i know that after the exam i'm gonna whine & bitch like no other stating that i could've done better. it is frustrating when u know that ur not utilizing ur full potential. insyaAllah, i know someday, i'll get there by any means if i have to. but i just hope that it will be sooner rather than later.

i miss my nerdy@glorious days. mom would've been upset if she knows that i'm slacking around. sigh...

tough luck

there's no one left to finger... there's no one here to blame. take the responsibility & suck it up. people hate whiners. just deal with it.

lame

one after another.. a string of soapy love ballads.. and i'm taking about the old glam hits during the big hair days of siti, ella and fauziah latiff!!! hmm.... reminiscence of the past..

case study 2

mrs. L.H, a 30 y.o presented for an obstetrics follow up, 6 weeks post miscarriage. she was 10 weeks pregnant when she had the miscarriage. she has been off work since, and complains of joint pains and extreme tiredness. she is not on any medications. notice a decrease in her appetite with slight weight loss, stiffness on her joints and difficulty to sleep and her mood has been low since the miscarriage. she also wears sun block more often now when going out.

had a hx of seizure a year ago. family hx is unremarkable.

O/E: no obvious rash noted. joint stiffness and swelling of the hands + wrist bilaterally. heart examination is normal. no murmus. chest is clear.

others: hb is low, LFTs & TFTs is normal. ESR is markedly elevated.

questions:

1. what further questions that you would like to ask in the hx?
2. what is the most likely diagnosis?
3. what are the differentials that you would consider in this case?
4. what tests would you do to confirm or outrule your diagnosis/differentials?
5. how would you manage this patient?

p.s: this is a case that i'll be presenting later this week. so, those who follow my blog will have the first view. i'll post the answers within the next few days.

i don't even know what to say

just a while ago, i was reading an interesting entry by a fellow blogger. in that entry, he specifically pin points the fact that his first crush was a very popular singer. as a matter of fact, she is too well known, that i don't think she needs any further introduction.

dude... ur declaration is one bold act. but i dig it. u've just made my day. i'm laughing my f***ing a** off here!!!.

the irony of u & me

u ask what u can do and i don't know what to say. the needy part of me wants ur constant attention, it needs ur words, thoughts & ur prsence. but i know that is not the answer. the scared part of me wants u out of my life because it would be easier. the hateful part of me wants to hurt u because it thinks u've hurt me.

i will ignore u at times, i may be rude to u. i may hide from u and wait for u to reach out to me... so i know that u care. it's not fair to do these things, but i will... i cannot ask u to put up with this, it's not fair and no matter how hard i act, i care too much to put u through this. but u 've asked,... and this is all i have to tell ...

i write this for u. for u to read & ponder. though this is for u, but u r many people. u r the people close to me now. u r the people i want to be close to even though i've kept you away. u are the friends i've pushed away in the past, the friends that i've never had the chance to tell this to. u are also the people that i will care about until once again i push u out of my life. u are the part of me that is still trying to understand who i am. u are all of these people and many more...

but above all that, i need u still. so bear with me...please.

before the labour

patient: i have three names in my head: darren, daniel and george

midwife: i like darren

ilman aiman: i think darren is good

husband: yeah, we'll go with darren...

patient: but i want it to be spelled - D.A.R.Y.N instead of darren. the latter have too much "r" in it (bare in mind that the surname have lots of letter "r" too)

everybody disagree. we like darren. it's a cool name.

patient: oohhh ok... we'll go with darren then.


u see, in the labour ward. there is a lot of waiting. and it's a plus really if u get along with the patient and the midwives. my patient is just phenomenal. and her husband cracks me up everytime he speaks!! seriously, there was a time that i really feel like singing and dancing. the radio plays amy winehouse's rehab and everybody is doing their little gestures following the rhytm. it was a fun day with a fun crowd. and of course, the birth of baby Darren is just the perfect ending to close the evening. aawwwwhh

case study 1

from now on, i've decided to put up a case every now and then for the benefit of us all. this one is taken from jimbo's blog. so credit to the owner.

This 20-year-old Nepalese presents with 1 month history of cough and low grade fever.

CXR

1) describe the CXR
2) what is the diagnosis?









answer

1)

• a PA view CXR.
  
• Sightly over-penetrated as one can see the thoracic spine behind the cardiac shadow.
  
• It is slightly rotated, so the trachea position cannot be commented on, however, it is probably not deviated.
  
• The costophrenic angles are well visualised, indicating no effusion.
  
• The right upper and middle third of the lungs are hazy with multiple cavities of varying sizes seen.
• The mediastinum is not widened.

2) In keeping with common things being common, the obvious diagnosis would be an active pulmonary tuberculosis because:

• cavities are an indication of active PTB.
• there is no evidence of fibrosis.
• the history is suggestive.

huh...

things haven't been great. and i'm still mad. but, the look on ur face when i said that.. was priceless. demmm... i hate it when i give in so easily.

CHN

went to a neurology meeting. saw and learn 2 weird & wonderful cases, congenital hypomyelinating neuropathy and a query of parkisonism. l

on the CHN,

the patient, a 7 month year old baby presented with recurrent chest infections. pregnancy was uncomplicated. good fetal movement were observed. familh hx is unremarkable.

O/E : patient is very hypotonic but with good muscle bulk (no obvious wasting), muscle is stronger distally than proximally. reflexes are absent.

inv : nerve biopsy, nerve conduction study, lumbar pucture for the CSF.

management: IV immunoglobulin & steroids.

differential : spinal muscular atrophy, congenital muscluar dystrophy

CHN is a rare form of neonatal neuropathy that should be considered in the differential diagnosis of a newborn with profound hypotonia and weakness. also known as charcoat marie tooth type 4E. little is known about the long-term outcome of neonates presenting with CHN, but the neonatal form appears to be more severe, often leading to early mortality.

monday morning

this whole week, i'll be in the labour ward. =D, no more early mornings for this week... yeay

di manakah letaknya diriku ini... sehingga ku rasa sungguh asing sekali..

i think too much. i put too much thought when doing things. i ought to loosen up & be more spontaneous. it just feels more natural that way.

de tour

instead of doing obstetrics, going to the labour ward, taking a hx, or examine patients... i did something different for a change. i went and did orthopedics with mr flemming & his team. plus i even got their phone numbers, just in case if i need to contact them later on, and they even invited me to theatre tomorrow.. *wink* - team ortho ni... hahah

next

all this while, people have been chanting to u, openly, like on the bumper stickers that u see everywhere... "take a chance, life is short".. "take a risk, u won't regret it" and that is exactly what i did. i took a chance. i gambled.

and although at the back my mind, i know i'm fighting a losing battle here, but i'm prepared to risk it this time. but unfortunately, unlike any other cliche stories that i heard, my gamble did'nt paid off. it was embarrassing, and probably the single good thing that come out of this is that i wasn't left wandering. and having said that, having a reality check is even worse. it proves that i was right all along..

owwhhh... f*** it.

8.08

and it's time for bed... i know.. who the hell sleeps at 8?.. but hey.. it's freaking cold out there... done my revision during the afternoon (heheh), and i've watched gossip girl epi 8 already. tried calling home but nobody is picking up the phone. so, what more can i do in such temperature.

already wrapped myself in my nice comfy duvet + lots of pillows around me... so gud nite dear readers.

quote

a direct quote from gossip girl...

"keeping your pride & get nothing @ taking a risk & maybe... maybe..having everything.."

interesting...

nobody supposed to be here

...so i placed my heart under lock & key, to take some time, and take care of me... but i turn around & ur standing here....

how did you get here? nobody's supposed to be here...

Ayah

in the midst of this cold weather, underneath the layers of clothing that i'm wearing now.... i miss the warmth of ur presence, ur guidance & ur wisdom to knock some sense into my thick skull...

4 in the morning

and i'm up.. went to bed a little too early last night. the house is quite. i think everybody is still asleep. today is a bank holiday. so, perhaps... another unproductive day for me but who knows... somewhere in between the TV watching, the internet surfing.. i'll find an hour or two to catch up with my reading. i'm definitely lagging behind now.

a newly crowned Datuk

and she deserves it so much. so, congratulations Datuk Sheila Majid... who remains as one of Malaysia's finest performer.

the green eyed monster

jealousy. it grips ur mind. it eats ur heart out. it forces u to think of nothing else. whether they are having a good time. or actually, having a better time with someone else compared to with u. u screen all the possibilities.

where r they going?
what r they talking about?
is she laughing at her jokes?
does he like her?
does she likes him too?

and perhaps the question that will bug u the most is....



are u out of the game???

girls aloud - the promise

this was on last saturday X Factor and their performance was decent. the girls look immaculately beautiful and their little gestures in between the singing are simply cute!!

talking trash

i have a friend on Facebook who constantly talks about his girlfriend via status updates. and he changes this every so often.

"oh, i can't wait to see her!"

"i get to see her tonight!"

"we had the best weekend together!"

"i miss u so much!"

"hugs & kisses to u, xoxo"

pathetic!!! did I mention he complements each of these status updates with little hearts? with f*****g little hearts. u might say this bothers me because i am a bitter person. u might say that or u might also agree with me. truth be told, i don't have a problem with other people's relationships. get as happy as you want. it's ur life anyway. my prediction is that it probably wouldn't last but hey—enjoy it while it does. and if it does last, well, u've got yourself a keeper. Just shut up about it.

we're no longer in the junior high & parading ur affection like that is no longer cute. and in all honestly, i don't give a s*** about ur girlfriend. u both deserve each other. Grow a pair. Next thing you know u'll be married with a bunch of squealing children and u'll update your Facebook status with something similar like this "a man is incomplete until he is married. after that, he is finished."

seriously...

far from perfect

I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, i have failed as much as i have succeeded. and i'm still learning, trying to be a better person .. so cut me some slacks and don't put up ur hopes too high. don't bet on me because i wouldn't bet on me either. at least not now...

sad

how would u react if u were told to back off when ur just showing interest and wants to learn?? what's the point of showing up then. would it kill u to be nice to people??

but on a different note, my heart skipped a beat when i saw this beautiful set of twins. they were so tiny and adorable. now, i wish i'm a proud parent with children of my own.

penat tapi puas

at the end of the day, it doesn't seems to matter because i did gain a lot today. tq shawn for making me feel part of the team, that i belonged and i have something to contribute. i'm no longer standing at the corner, fidgeting and whining. seriously... i'm glad ur there.

i love & i hate & everything in between

When we love something, what happens? What happens is that we want to possess it. We want to hold it close, attach to it, and protect it. We want it to be a part of us. When we hate, we want to get as far away from the hated as we can, or even destroy it. These two feelings are quite different, but actually, they come from the identical root, they are two sides of the same coin. Because when we hold something close, when we love something, we become afraid of losing it, and this brings up jealousy, and jealousy, of course, is based on hatred as we become guarded and secretive. so, is it acceptable to love @ hate at the same time? it may neither seems rational nor logical but we do this because we have to do this. we wouldn't know how else to react. it's cliche but nonetheless true.

the locker room

we're bored. my consultant is off to Paris. the SHOs favour the 4th meds. i went to OT and was snubbed. only one person is allowed at a time. went to labour ward but again the 4th meds were there. so, all frustrated and with no productive hour despite the enthusiast and effort shown. then.. in the locker room... light, camera ................... and ..................SNAP!!!

where have u gone to?

the person who bursts out laughing like there are no worries to shoulder.... i can't find him now. but i notice a sombre looking person who feels like he is carrying the weight of the world on his back.. i miss the former. how to bring him back?

why i acted the way i did

i know there have been complaints or comments made against my recent behaviour. and i admit, what i did was immature, irrational and somewhat foolish. but come on, how long have u known me?? 5 years rite?? so within this long time frame, wouldn't you have notice that my pride can easily be bruised by the tiny insignificant little details like this. it may not upset other people but i'm different. this is just how my body works and i'm sorry if i don't conceal it as well as i should've.

all I'm asking for is a simple apology or a clarification of the matter. that would suffice. all this while, i used to comment that why is difficult for people to utter the 3 words of "i am sorry" when i can say them in a heartbeat. until proven otherwise, i have the feeling that u will never seek my apology and u being u, will leave it to time until things get better and from there on, we're good & pretend as if nothing happen. but, I'm tired of giving in and letting people walk all over me. that's why i stood up and left. because i have pride.

p.s: i know some of u will laugh & joke about this entry and by all means go ahead. i'm not like u. i don't have the ability to take it with a pinch of salt. i'm sorry, it's just me.

more raya pics

it was a grand occasion. too bad, i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. but nevertheless, everybody seems to have a bloody good time. so well done organizers!


p.s: haizum, i told u.. this pic will be up on the blog... *evil grin*

cheeky

isn't it hilarious?? i know it looks a little inappropriate but with all this gloomy and sombre atmosphere around, this one definitely cracks me up... =)

friday morning

it is hours before my medicine exams. haven't done much reading yet though... so, i try to stick up to what is common & save the weird and wonderful for later revision. and on a different note, i kinda feel a bit off today. and it isn't much about the stress of the coming exam but more towards this complex and unresolved issues that i have... but somethings are just meant to be concealed don't they?? even though silence breaks the heart but the consequences will be more severe if the mouth speaks. and i wouldn't want that too....

1 syawal

to those who are celebrating Eid, selamat hari raya & maaf zahir batin.

check it out!!!!! new blog

http://75summerstown.blogspot.com/

it's a joint effort between the residents of 75 summerstown road. so occasionally, there will be entries from any 5 of us (me, izad, nik, shahid, ameen). i bet some of u are curious on what we're up to.. so.. aper lagi!!!! click la link tu... i know u want to!!! heheh

i lost...

the deed is done and my heart is damaged.

feel good no more

what is wrong with me??? it's so frustrating that after all the encounters that i had, i learn absolutely nothing!!! i don't get it.. something is dysfunctional inside me... and it is seriously disturbing. i let my guard down... again. rite now, i just wanna go somewhere peaceful and serene. i need my sanity.

raya tunes

since it's gonna be raya in a couple of days, just would like to share my fav raya songs. hands down by far my top pick is Pulanglah by Aishah.

others songs include:
- suasana hari raya - anuar zain & elina
- satu hari di hari raya - m.nasir

the remaining raya hits are tolerable especially the usual classics. newer songs are just not as engaging for me.

end of neurology

too bad for i really like this rotation. the hours are just incredible. and i think i learn a lot too.

lipstick jungle

i know the title sounds tacky but try give it a watch. it's not everybody's cup of tea but i like it nonetheless. if u have nothing else to watch then why not give this one a go.

take a pick

i hate it when people give me an ultimatum. why does it have to be all or nothing? it's hard enough to choose as u don't wanna to end up making the wrong decision. and make no mistake about it, because what i did was appalling, i know... believe me, it wasn't a proud moment for me. but through times like this, at least i have the decency to come forward and admit my wrong doings. shit la!!

gossip girl

better watch out Queen B, i heard Serena is making a comeback. better dust up the throne and make way for the worthy ruler of the courtyard..., but don't be so upset, u won't be gone for good. i bet Serena is making u her leading maiden. Ur time is up B....


xoxo

furious lady

hell hath no fury like a woman who is scorn... i guess i push the button a little too far this time. oucchhh....

why so serious???

why are the Emmys critics are throwing such a harsh feedback on all 5 co host of the Emmy night ? (seacrest, klum, probst, bergeron, mandel). lighten up!!! i thought that their delivery was decent. so back off, and give them credit for at least trying...it's not always an easy task to jump in from an unscripted reality tv to co hosting a live production mind you...

cintaku pergi

a song by Reshmonu. beautiful melody & heartfelt lyric. i like it.

mom

just wanna put a smile on your face. i know you're reading this. =)

random thoughts

-i truly have a high opinion for someone who is accomplish in so many ways and yet is so well grounded at the same time. so thank you for being very down to earth.

- some people can never change. it puzzles me that one can live without a guilty conscience...

- i misses my occasional late night 'yamcha' with friends back home.

- it upsets me to know that my ex is already happily married. how dare she got over me that quick ... hahah =P, but i know we're cool rite...

- apparently, i may be stuck in cork for the winter holidays. should the plane ticket be cheaper, i would've book a flight to Munich, Germany in a heartbeat. i have no interest going elsewhere.

- for no good reason, i like to look at the lefties when they're writing.

- one day, i decided to go bald, but my hairstylist talk me out of it.

- every now and then, i log in to a forum and read about other people's misfortunes. it kinda give me a relief to know that shit happens everywhere and not just in my life

locked in syndrome

she was admitted following bilateral blurry vision. had a hx of migraine. went in, did a CT scan, suggestive of possibly a sinus venous thrombosis. i saw her. i talked to her two times. then just now, when i see her again, she was in the intensive care unit. she is lying in the bed, unable to move or communicate. the consultant fear for the worst. she might have a locked in syndrome. my heart sank there and then...


Q - what is locked in syndrome ???

A - is a condition in which a patient is aware and awake, but cannot move or communicate due to complete paralysis of nearly all voluntary muscles in the body. It is the result of a brain stem lesion in which the ventral part of the pons is damaged. The condition has been described as "the closest thing to being buried alive". They communicate by moving and blinking their eyes which are not affected.
*credit to Wikipedia*

surprise surprise

why the sudden resignation from the finance minister post? what is the underlying reason for this withdrawal? has Abdullah finally succumb to the build up pressure by the opposition? interesting!!

al fatihah to my uncle

ainul maslih bin zaenal abidin

to my generous readers, i hope u can spend a second or so, reciting fatihah for my late uncle arwah "ainul maslih bin zaenal abidin" who passed away recently. ur kindness is greatly appreciated.

my condolence to the my aunty, my cousins and the immediate family.

the ipod timeline

the wonders of technology. 4th generation of the ipod nano is coming out pretty soon. it is much cheaper, thinner and sleeker!!

political tension

the heat is up, and frankly it's been in such a state for quite some time now. more often than not, i try to avoid issuing opinions regarding my political view. but today, as i eagerly anticipate what would happen by sept 16th, a date that is infamously announced where a new government will be established and that Dato' Sri Anwar will triumph as the new prime minister.

deep down, in respect to the current situation, such outcome is not impossible. but as of today, BN is still standing still, maybe slightly weak, but enough to commit themselves as the official ruler @ administrator of the country. so, is it just an empty promise, an opportunistic way of winning the hearts of dissatisfied citizens that is in dire for an immediate change? let us all wait and see. for sure, i am curious. i have my own stand but there is no reason for me to disclose it here. i just hope for the best, for what i think is a better option for my beloved Malaysia.

neurology

at last... i feel part of the team. i feel appreciated. mistakes are corrected, credits are given generously. my opinion matter. i feel belonged.


thank you.

why not biking?

unlike my colleagues, why don't i cycle?

and the simple truth is that i am very fond of walking.

lonely

it gets lonely when ur up here alone & by urself. things seems different nowadays. friends are walking out from u, coversations are running dry and only silence fills up the room. the genuine feeling of looking and caring for one another is long gone. loneliness creeps in and it is palpable more than ever. the sad truth is that they don't hate u but they just don't care, giving you the cold shoulders whenever you're near. ur existence doesn't seem to do much. ur just another face in the crowd. forgetable.... & of no significance.

done with vascular

woohoo, the 3 weeks of vascular surgery is over.... but truth be told despite my complaints for the past few weeks, towards the end i realize that sulking up won't do me any good. so, instead i learn to be more proactive. modesty just won't get me far... at least for the time being.


p.s: next week, i'm up for neurology

the turkey shoots

it is an ongoing tradition proudly held by the respective consultants. in the room, the final meds were lined up one by one & given the honour of having the front row seat. it wasn't a proud moment for us. while being seated, we listen, we fidget and inevitably the adrenaline was pumping hard. each of us had their fair share of questions. i bet the upper authorities were having a field day laughing at our ignorance.

what???

bring that on??

so small

there's always one reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day. in this sweet madness, and the glory of sadness that brings me to my knees. i feel small. i'm humbled.

Return of the King

eat your hear out haters!!!! the result speaks for itself. yesterday, Roger Federer annihilates top British tennis player Andy Murray in a straight set match with a 6-2, 7-5, 6-2 to win his fifth straight U.S. Open championship and 13th Grand Slam title. Federer is just one trophy short to level it off with the legendary Pete Sampras. no doubt that it has been a pretty tough season for federer, critics are writing him off, putting him in the hot seat, arguing that he has "lost" his mommentum, unable to successfully defend his earlier Grand Slam trophies. everyone figured Federer needed help, and everyone figured they knew how to help. turns out Federer was just fine. turns out he still knew how to win a major tournament and he wins with such grace and style. at the end of the day, it looks like Roger Federer is having the last laugh after all !!

hindi films

i've been watching old Hindi movies for 2 days in a row now. tragic !!

the undisputed champ

Serena's back and in the midst of inconsistent front runners in women tennis, her return marks an indication that the big players from yesteryears are there to stay. after losing the Wimbledon final to elder sister Venus, she's definitely hungry for more trophies - the respectable ones of course. her last Grand Slam was about 18 months ago where she won the 07 australian open. now, not only she collected her 9th career Grand Slam but she also reclaims her true position by dethroning Ana Ivanovic of the top post. just for the record, Serena never dropped a set in the recent Flushing Meadows tournament & even besting out Venus in her attempt to recapture the title that she won several years back. maybe not such a groundbreaking comeback, but the resume is still impressive , isn't it not?

the trouble is....

no matter what i say, no matter what i do, the heart still likes what it likes la kan??? you just can't force it. sad but true, even in me, emotions sometimes defy logic.... the things that you do, the extra miles that you go for...



pathetic!!!

sunday morning

feel a bit washed up today. i don't know why but this song is stuck in my head. it kinda reminds me of my senior high. a blast from the past.

someday - sugar ray

where my readers at ??

once, a friend bluntly asked " who reads my blog?"

and my reply was a spontaneous i don't know. i don't blog for the hits. i just write for the fun of it. no expectations there. but little did i know that when i checked my stats, between last mon-fri, apparently, i have generous viewers from people in these places..... erkkkk

the forgotten medical children

it sucks big time being in the final med and not being taken seriously. i wouldn't have whine that much should it happen during the earlier clinical years. initially i really thought that things would've been better, a refreshing change from the tedious and lengthy hours of waiting and doing nothing. make no mistake about this, but i'm not bitching about my consultant. as busy as he is saving lives, i just wish that he allocates more time to teach, encourage our participation, listen to what we say and give constructive criticism on our performances. his feedback is crucial at this stage. given the current circumstances, i don't anticipate that much but the least that he can do within the immediate time frame is to acknowledge my presence.... that's all.

something to remember....

"more than words is all i needed you to show. then you don't have to say i love you cause i already know...."

too often, words say too much. we fail to notice that love comes in silence too. somethings should just be left unspoken and remain untouched. love isn't all about unity. but...

what if silence breaks the heart?

sibling rivalry - clashes of the Williams

little sister, serena barely got the better of older sister venus williams in the recent U.S. Open quarterfinal that was fit for a final showdown, coming back in each set to win 7-6 (6), 7-6 (7). it was unfortunate that they play so early in the tournament since a pure classic match like this is so deserving for a spectacular conclusion of a grand slam tournament. bad seeding system i guess. organizers should've save the best for last. venus had all sorts of chances to take control, but in the end, as the intensity peaked and both women's reached their boiling point it was serena who pulled through. In the second tiebreaker, venus had four set points and serena saved them all!!! nothing short of a true champ!

eating the humble pie

trying not to put myself out there so much. maybe it's better for me to lay low and stay away from the radar. i'm tired of people mistaken my confidence as arrogance. in any way i hope i don't come across as a stuck up, self obsessed pissing everybody around him kinda guy. but above all that, i still keep my head up high as people around me is a little stingy on giving sincere compliments. i pride mysef but in the future i won't do it in front of you. i hope i pleased you well.

i annoy people

to the point where i can come across as a loud, opinionated, sarcastic, egocentric, upfront kind of person. truly, in all honesty, i never meant to impose any of my thoughts to anybody. each of us is unique in the sense that we behave differently, and react in an individual manner and this need to be respected. so, i am sorry if i offended anybody in anyway and trust me it was unintentional. my opinion remains mine. whether it's right or wrong, it is not the main concern. i realized that i am talking out of my league and i have no business here.

in love with lust

in simple analogy, lust is the equivalent of a short term fun ride while love is the long haul, the entire journey through numerous ups & downs in a relationship. at such a young age, being male especially, do people who commit only to love and seek nothing more than such pleasure of the intangible emotion exist? it's no rocket science and no offense to the male population but we all know how our genetic make up is build. in denial as some may appear, but inevitably most of us are geared more towards the lusty side of the any given relationship. but the burning question is to what extent can we distinguish whether the reactions or the actions that we invested in all this while are lust @ love oriented?

you see, lust like love is truly blind. This is why, especially at the beginning of a relationship, it can be hard to tell whether you're in lust or love, whether she may be "the one" or merely a passing fancy who'll have your blood boiling for only a short while. confusing isn't it not? in cases like this, the real trick is in deciding what you want and that is entirely up to you. there is no wrong or right answer here. however, as a reminder, with every choices made, they are consequences. so just be prepared to live with it. life is not without regret.

sizing it up

does size really matter?

oh helll yeahhh... with a 6.3" tool you could load so much more to the target. smaller ones are fine too.. with the right technique of course. but it's the extra inches with the big gun that gives pure satisfaction... whoaa... by the time ur done, they'll be begging for more!

it's all about the money

would you cross the line if you were paid to do so? interesting isn't it, how money can tempt us to do things normally we avoid, making us pushing boundaries and lowering standards in return for the big bucks. and I'm not talking about compromising our belief or doing anything with severe consequences, but instead just the little things that may interfere with the principles that we hold on to all this while. given the right figure, how far would i go?

i have my own answer, but I'm not telling. just show me the money and then we're talking...

kasut buatan Gombak

Ashraff: so what if my shoes are made in Gombak?
Vanidah: so nothing. they make good shoes in Gombak. (smirk)

this is by far my favourite Merdeka commercial. i think it was shot somewhere in 98 and was aired again a few years back. the underlying message is clear cut, delivered in a very cynical way. why not a malaysian brand? 51 years post independece... it's time to start beliving in ourselves. malaysia boleh!!

and having said that, just would like to wish all the Malaysian a very happy Merdeka. now, entering the 51th year of Merdeka, let us all strive for a better nation, change what is needed to be changed, revamp back the system that would benefit us all. speak now or be silence forever. this is after all a democracy.

celebrity wedding

she glows. and he is flaunting the million dollar smile. the feeling is mutual and is celebrated with lots of love & passion for one another. i envy him.

miss fazura

recently, i had a chat with a friend in which somehow, i mentioned about how i think fazura is such a stunner. and in all honesty, i was hoping for a favourable feedback, seeking approval for what i believe is undeniably true. but he disagree and briefly said that what's the point of having an angelic face if the behaviour is not as good. and i thought, maybe he is right in the sense that there are people who look underneath the surface and appreciate a good heart more than anything. but in reality, as true as it is, i must say and i'm not speaking for everybody here, but i still dig faz no matter what. (putting on my team faz hat)

the ugly, the bold & the beautiful

is it true, that a butt ugly person tend to offer better companionship compared to the modern day Adonis ? beauty as what all of us would agree upon, is a very subjective matter and it's definition is to each own. from past encounters, i must admit that I've also seen a lot of strikingly attractive girls become involved with ugly and filthy guys (and vice versa). is it a trend that is started following repeated frustrations with the superficiality & lack of depth of the their stunning exes? or is the self obsessed, narcissistic ways proved to much of an emotional burden to bare? or maybe the cliche saying of "opposite attracts" is a curse that is meant to unite and bring balance to this imperfect world.

some may argue that beauty is only skin deep. what matters more is the inner qualities and by allowing the personality to shine through, one can easily win the heart of their partners. still, could this just represent a consolation statement made by the ugly for the ugly so that they feel less inferior since they too deserve the equal right to fight for the heart of a better half? i don't know. i don't have an opinion about this. but something to ponder upon... how come the fellas in general always hunt for the best chicken while the girls is more willing to settle for a mediocre partner? ironic isn't it? or is it just a nature that all of us come to abide to....

matahariku - agnes monica

i like this song. i like it a lot.

inevitably mistaken as won bin

kan kak lin?? won bin versi melayu. and i couldn't agree more!!

p.s: shit, i think i'm gonna get more pukey mails now!